Hopeful and Idealistic

Like most 20-somethings, I used to be “hopeful and idealistic”. At the same time, life taught me to plan ahead. One morning, at 22, I awoke to find myself with a nearly completed masters degree, a career path (that at the time I didn’t know wasn’t going to pan out) and an engagement ring. I still remember that morning and I think that on that day, something inside me changed. Perhaps, it was the first time I really took an inventory of my life and decided that I’m meant for something bigger. Almost 20 years later, somewhere deep inside, I think that I still believe this.  

All of this has been layered by the mundaneness of life - of loss, of unfulfilling jobs, of lost friendships, of children being born, of travel, of cooking dinner, of folding laundry, of new friendships, of school drop off, of PTA meetings, of learning, of questioning, of landing back to square one, of starting over, of rereading emails, of new blog posts, of shabbos candle lighting, of all the in-between. As part of my always ongoing self-development, I recently had a natal chart prepared and the astrologer described me as “Executive by day and shaman by night.” Cue song, “I’m a dreamer". As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to fill my life with more than material objects - with causes that speak to me, with books, with plays, with purpose, with interesting people that question the number 42 as much as I do. Don’t get me wrong, I still want the nice shoes, but as predicted, they are less important now (and a lot more expensive)!

So what about those hopes and dreams? They are still there, but they are overshadowed by the future I want to create not just for myself anymore, but for my children. I want to raise them to be smart and kind.  I want them to be fun and inquisitive.  I hope that they will become gentlemen and most importantly I want them to be blessed - blessed with good health and with aging parents, blessed with true friends and meaningful work, blessed with a deep love and family. I wish for them to have many hopes and dreams and to pursue them, always.  Mine have evolved. The steps that I take to achieving many of them have gotten slower, shorter, but more confident.  I'm certain that they will continue to evolve and be intertwined with those of my boys.  For now, I'll try to keep writing, to keep dreaming and to keep working on self-development.  My ideals will remain, for it is hope after all that dies last.