December 16, 2010
September 17, 2010
"On Rosh Hashanah it is written, on Yom Kippur it is sealed."
August 18, 2010
August 17, 2010
This time last year . . .
This time last year I finished watching my 2nd episode of 90210 and posted S&M's wedding photo book on FB. It is also the time when mama and I decided that we should take her to a hospital. We spoke to her oncologist's nurse. We were waiting for Daddy to come home...
I sometimes wish I weren't so sentimental that I could ignore the gnawing reminders of every day, but then I wouldn't be me. I'd be someone else. The only person I am and want to be is my mom's daughter. I couldn't have asked for a better role model, a better mom or a better friend.
"A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take." - Cardinal Mermillod
August 8, 2010
Zone 3
28th of Av, 5769 כ״ח באב תשס״ט -
28th of Av, 5770 כ״ח באב תש״ע
August 6, 2010
Thank You
I started this post by talking about inspiration and I met a truly inspiring woman, yesterday aboard this cruise around NYC. JP is a breast cancer survivor and her story hit home because she is a mom of two and was diagnosed around the same time as my mom. We spoke of different treatments and she kept comparing me to her own kids. Last year was also her first race. She decided to learn to run, yes run, in honor of both her 60th birthday and her 15 year survival. I can't run, but now I am suddenly feeling inspired - IZ may not be the only one from CUREiously PINK running in September. She was having trouble taking pics and of course I don't take my camera on a trip such as this and I took some pics with my berry that I instantly emailed to her. Today, of course I googled and found much more interesting facts about her and to quote from her featured surivor story on Komen:
- If I had not had breast cancer, I venture to say I would not have had the courage to take swimming lessons in a chilly lake in springtime to get over my fear of water.
- If I had not had breast cancer, I doubt that I would have had the fortitude to go to law school and become at attorney at the age of 52, which involved commuting three hours round trip to school each day of classes as a single mom.
- If I had not had breast cancer, I do not believe I would have wanted to mark the milestone of my 60th birthday, which is also the 15th year of my survivorship, by learning to run this past winter and spring so I could run in the Susan G. Komen New York City Race for the Cure in September.
August 4, 2010
Reminders . . .
I've been trying to look at things a little more lightly and calmly lately. Everything I read seems to have the same message - good attracts good, positive attracts positive and anyone that knows me knows that I'm a believer in Karma (and not in the "my karma ran over your dogma kind"). Yet, somehow it's hard to remain positive when everything you touch turns to sh*t. I am really trying though and here are a few favorites from The Alchemist, which I finished reading recently by Paolo Coelho:
"Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives but none about his or her own."
"...and when each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises."
"'It's not what enters men's mouths that's evil. Its what comes out of their mouths that is."
"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving."
July 22, 2010
A year ago today and the meaning of dreams . . .
Last night, although falling asleep rather early, I didn't sleep well, being awoken first by my phone then my dreams. No stranger to dreams and especially after watching Inception this pas week, I'm a bit shaken up by it all. The Dream Dictionary definitions seem accurate enough, but the reality isn't easier to deal with.
Mother
To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection.
To dream that you are having a conversation with your mother, denotes a matter that has preoccupied your mind and you are not sure how to deal with it in your waking life. It indicates unresolved problems that need to be worked out with your mother.
To hear your mother call you in our dream, suggests that you have been negligent in your duties and responsibilities. You are pursuing down the wrong path.
Dead
To see and talk with your dead parents in your dreams, represent your fears of losing them or your way of coping with the loss. You are using your dream as a last opportunity to say your final good-byes to them. In trying to keep up with the pace of your daily waking life, your dreams may serve as your only outlet in coping and coming to terms with the loss of a loved one.
July 15, 2010
Dot Dot Dot
ПОСЛЕДНИЙ ТОСT
Я пью за разоренный дом,
За злую жизнь мою,
За одиночество вдвоем,
И за тебя я пью,—
За ложь меня предавших губ,
За мертвый холод глаз,
За то, что мир жесток и груб,
За то, что Бог не спас.
There's many ideas for blog posts brewing and I'm not sure where to begin. The last few months have been nothing short of torturous, confusing and lacking proper adjectives at the moment. But I'm tired of talking of the negativity - if I am to practice what I've been preaching and desperately trying to believe - positive attracts positive. Light attracts lights. Love attracts love.
July 8, 2010
No More Tears
July 6, 2010
I'm with STUPID
June 26, 2010
June 25, 2010
The Ex Factor
If you are friends with two people who dated, broke up, got married and lived happily ever after, do you invite both? Neither? Take turns?
Or let them decide? Does the equation change if there were hard feelings? Bad break-up? One is un-attached? Does it matter that you grew up with one and know the other for a few years? Months? Weeks? What if the relationship was between your friend and another friend's spouse? While there may be no easy answer to these questions, if you're going to spend your life making others happy, you'll make yourself miserable.
As adults, people can make a choice to be there for their friends and sit on opposite ends of a dinner table, if necessary. I was at quiet a
few events over the last few weeks where I've ran into ex's, flings and other romantic interests. I've taken pictures with them, of them, drank shots with them and celebrated the events that we were both invited to. It's a small world and while you can avoid people,
you're bound to run into them in the most ackward and inopportune of moments. As with everything else in life, there's no perfect answer,as my fave tax professor always used to say, "based on facts and circustances, it depends."
--
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June 18, 2010
A Sad Kind of Proud
June 10, 2010
June 2, 2010
$$$ versus Sanity - a modern conversation
sanity sounds good
May 14, 2010
"My karma ran over your dogma"
I'd like to think that I'm a good person that cares deeply around those around me. I usually put others before myself, but rarely feel the same in return. I share (or at the very least try) in everyone's (that's close to me) happiness and disappointments. I always try to go above and beyond, because I believe that you either do it right or you don't do it at all. Nobody has yet gotten upset at me for not returning a call, text or email. I remember birthdays. This is beginning to sound very self-validating and it's my blog so it can be, but why doesn't this positive karma boomerang back? How do you turn it all around? The ageless wisdom of "do onto others . . ."
I got stuck in my not-so-positive thoughts, so some "wisdom" on the topic:
Carrie: Yeah, but what would you do with all your free time?” -SATC
May 9, 2010
"A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take." - Cardinal Mermillod
I miss home, "A little girl, asked where her home was, replied, 'where mother is.'" - Keith L. Brooks
"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his." -Oscar Wilde
"A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary." - Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not."- James Joyce
"A mother understands what a child does not say." -Jewish Proverb
"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us when adversity takes the place of prosperity when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." -Washington Irving | |
"Most of all the other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers, and sisters, aunts and cousins, but only one mother in the whole world." - Kate Douglas Wiggin
"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." - Theodore Hesburgh
I'm so glad I got to witness this firsthand. I love and thank my parents for giving me a warm and loving home to grow up in.
"Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever." -Unknown
Happy Mother's Day / C Днем Победы!
This is my first Mother's Day without you and I miss you every minute of every day. There's so much going on in my life right now and you are the only person that I want to share it all with. You're the only one that can give me real advice and wisdom. "I pray you can see me now and be proud of what I have become because of your example, but most of all I thank you because you loved me so much."
With all my love always,
Alla
From a few Mother's Days ago . . . in Kittichai with overpriced Mimosas. I would give everything to be there again. <3
May 6, 2010
An Interesting Idea . . .
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life... "
Doing Good Deeds . . .
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
May 3, 2010
Dear Friends and Family,
The Komen Race for the Cure is a community event that honors breast cancer survivors and co-survivors and pays tribute to those that have lost their lives to the disease. The Race also plays a vital role in raising funds for research, education, prevention, advocacy and treatment. Each year over 1.3 million people take part in Race for the Cure events around the world. I will be joined by thousands of others on September 12th in Central Park.
How can you help?
You can support me by making a tax-deductible contribution to the Greater New York City Affiliate of Susan G. Komen for the Cure. If you would like to donate, please visit www.komennyc.org/race and click on my personal page to make a donation to my efforts. You may also call me with the amount you will be pledging and can send the donation, payable to Komen Greater NYC, to me at the address below.
Additionally, you can join me at the event (details to follow as soon as the team is set up) as a Race participant or join the fundraiser thrown by Lasting Memories and Plan A Coordination (see flier for more details) . There are many ways you can participate and help run breast cancer out of town once and for all.
Facebook page for CUREiously PINK - Komen Race for the Cure http://www.facebook.com/group.
Thank you for your continuous kindness and your support in the fight against cancer!
April 19, 2010
A Not So Happy Birthday
Своей я маме посвящаю
Готовила, стирала и пекла, Дарила нам своей улыбки свет,
Очаг семейный чутко берегла.
Заботой на заботу отвечая,
Мы все тебя боготворим.
И к сожалению, тебя сегодня нет, но
От всей души за все тебя благодарим!
April 15, 2010
Random acts of kindness
imparted by various individuals throughout time is relevant today, to
me. It shows that human nature has no boundaries of language, time or
geographical location. We may have evolved as a civilization, but the
same human truths that were relevant 2000 years ago have not changed.
People need three basic things for survival - food, shelter and love.
I digress.
Love comes in many shapes, forms and sizes, but I won't babble about
what writers, philosophers and scientist have tried to explain for
centuries. I will say that lying in bed after an uneventful evening
in the privacy of my 4 (rather 3) walls an email from a complete
stranger with a simple comment meant more to me then the long awaited
and even longer debated dinner with two of my closest friends.
Sometimes, these random acts of kindness lift us out of a dark void,
if only temporarily, "because despite everything, I really believe
that people are really good at heart." (Anne Frank). Sometimes a
stranger can impart more wisdom then your most valued confidant and
sometimes you just need an impartial reassurance of what you already
believe, but doubt. Sometimes a candle lights the way.
---
"When you see light at the end of the tunnel, it may be the headlights
of an oncoming train."
--
Sent from my mobile device
_____________________________________________________________________________
"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."
-Randy Pausch
Remembering . . .
Her life didn't touch mine alone and I am certain that there are many people that will remember her birthday this coming Monday, a day after the 8 month anniversary of her passing and I hope that I won't be the only one to light a candle. Although, the candle, much like the monument is nothing but a symbol, a tradition, a way of remembering someone that you will never forget.
--
Sent from my mobile device
April 5, 2010
March 29, 2010
March 24, 2010
Looking at (the) Work Through Rose-Colored Glasses
I brought this up to the partner and while he asked me the reason for my question, he got tied up and we moved on. I reclassed the income item, but it wouldn't let me rest so I emailed my former colleagues, who all responded quickly and confirmed that I was correct in my logic. One of the people was the former partner, who through the grapevine heard of my question. He didn't fail to point out that it was a good question and provided some industry perspective. I thanked him in an email and he followed up. While the current partner that I work with still disagrees with me and left the item as he deemed fit, I know I did the right thing.
Regardless of what anyone tells you, the people that you work with are the most important aspect of your job. When I started at KPMG, we worked insane hours, but we had a great group. We helped each other and one of the partners that we worked for actually cared about his people. He trained his staff, he supported his staff and he worked as late as his staff (if not later). Yes, that included Saturdays AND often Sundays. Yes, that included 28 hour days. Yes, that included sending you home when he knew it was your anniversary. Yes, that included sending you home at 2 am (an hour earlier than everyone else because you live in NJ). In return the respect was reciprocated. Unfortunately, he is one of the few, but by the same token, the only one I keep in touch with.
He sent an outline of the new Health Care Reform Act and it's tax ramification to his entire "old" team, who had left the firm due to many different factors. If I could work for a boss like him my entire life, I'd be thrilled especially with the team that we had. The hours seemed more bearable and the happy hours more fun. The hours I work now pale in comparison, but so does the team, the work and the experience. When the partner leaves at 5-30-6 (and the rest of us stick it out till 7:30) it'd be nice to hear him say, "Good Night." Again, I'm being overly sentimental and looking at everything through the pinkish tint of my monitor, but I don't want to "make it work," I want to understand what I'm doing and the reasons for me allocating income between Lines 1 and 2. I want to be a skilled professional not a trained monkey.
March 19, 2010
My Mom, The Style Icon
I just got my hair blown out in preparation for the six birthdays that we are celebrating this weekend and the mafioso looking hairdresser, says to me, "I bet you your mom has beautiful, thick hair like yours" and for the first time in my life I've walked out of a hair salon in near tears. My mom had amazing hair that changed with seasons and wardrobes and has been worn in every style imaginable - long, short and medium; curly, wavy and stick straight; in a braid, down and in an up-do - all before chemo had it's nasty effects on her hair amongst, other things. She was beautiful inside and out and to quote my dad yesterday, "Бедненькая, как она на мучалась." My mom will forever be remembered as a woman of incredible courage, undying wisdom, amazing taste and infinite strength. She's so much more than a style icon, she's an icon.
March 16, 2010
Komen for the Cure -
Komen for the Cure - In Loving Memory of Leonora
March 15, 2010
UNCULTU(RED) and UNISPI(RED)
We know how to work the iPhone, the PC, the remote control, GameBoy and PS3, but we don't know the literary classics, the artistic masterpieces or the classical tunes that have been around for generations. Our parents' generation knows it all, read it all, heard it all and seen it all (if only in books and magazines). Their social gatherings are so much more fun then ours. Someone always play(s) [an instrument], everyone sings, anecdotes referencing historical events, figures, etc are told and it's so much more than our regular debauchery of stuffing our faces and drinking.
We are living in the information age and yet most of us are very uninformed. Yes, we have the news, sports and weather at our fingertips. Yes, we can google anyone, get directions anywhere, download any iTune and still know nothing. Reading has become almost taboo. Few people I know of my generation actually play an instrument (as a hobby) and even fewer know the difference between Bach and Mozart (myself included). There are a gazillion books that I want to read and often have the likes of "Time Traveler's Wife," "Russian Debutante's Handbook"(current reading), "The Lost Symbol" thrust in my face. Yes, they are fun to read and pass the time on the evening commute home, but they can't be compared with the likes of World Class Literature.
We are a product of our times and our parents and grandparents are/were a product of theirs, but there's so much more that we can learn from them, from history and from the classics. We can all become a little more cultured, a little more inspired and a little more appreciative of things that came before us, that gained worldwide recognition and have surpassed the test of time much more so than their contemporaries who die out after one song, one book or one picture.
March 8, 2010
March 5, 2010
milestones
March 1, 2010
Brick by Brick
To me, it's been amazing for a long time that having been in this country since age 9, I don't have many American friends. I grew up here. I speak English (with a Brooklyn accent as opposed to a Russian one). I graduated college, completed my Master's, worked in a global firm and yet all of my closest friends share the same background. At the SHS Purim event this Saturday, we met an amazingly great, soon to be married couple, L and A. She's from Long Island and A is from
Kansas. Hubster and I were both surprised that there are Jews in Kansas. The fact that they are from Middle of Nowhere Kansas or middle LI has nothing to do with anything except out surprise and our instant liking to each other. Despite the fact that we may have scared them a little when we drove them home to their Lower East Side apartment with a shovel in the backseat, I can't wait to reconnect with them at another SHS event.
What's cool about the SHS is that beliefs and traditions aren't forced on you. As a woman, you can wear pants and as a man show up without a yarmulke and you are not made to feel as an outsider. On the contrary, you feel welcomed and glad to be surrounded by people who are equally proud, but for better or worse, have joined the modern and not Orthodox world. I want to think outside the box, brick by brick, please join me.
--
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The SoHo Synagogue
Being former refugees from the former Soviet Union, we were always very aware of being Jewish, but never allowed to practice there. Growing up in non-religious families with our grandparents speaking Yiddish, making gefilte fish and teaching us the importance of picking a Jewish spouse. The diaspora was/is a crazy phenomenon and threw Jews all over the world. We ended up here, half of our families ended up in Israel, Canada, some stayed behind. What I liked the most about the SoHo Synagogue was that you understand where people come from and that most of us aren't religious, but are very proud of our heritage and would love to get involved.
I want to get involved. The events of 2009 have inspired a charitable spirit within me. As Hillel is famously quoted, "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?" SHS throws a lot of fancy parties in top-notch places, but it also teaches you traditions that we have long forgotten or maybe never learned. How great is it to spend a Pesach Sedar amidst 20 and 30 somethings that are smart, successful, talented and dressed to the T. (I'm not sure what that means).
Religion is a sensitive topic and I could go on for hours, but I've been trying (with many interruptions, stupid work) to finish this post all day and it doesn't look like I'm anywhere near done. I will definitely attend more events and support what I believe is a wonderful cause. So, my proposal of the day, is support something, help someone. You don't have to help my cause(s) (although I'd greatly appreciate past, current and future donations), but join a cause, spread the word, it's not about money, it's about time.
February 18, 2010
Forever in My Heart
Today, despite the pain, I'm glad I remember, and I know that I will never forget. There's nothing more that I could say today except that I miss my dearest mom and grandma more than any words could ever express. It's an interesting coincidence that 6 months after my mom is gone would have been my grandma's 86th birthday.
LI 04/19/51-08/18/09
ZI 02/18/24-07/08/08
"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." -The Wonder Years
"I pray you can see me now and be proud of what I have become because of your example, but most of all I thank you because you loved me so much."
February 13, 2010
Saturday Morning Commute
to tourists 3, hours of sleep 5.5! MTA FAIL!!!
Total travel time 2 hrs, immeasurable nerves complete with lack of desire to work on a Saturday to begin with.
--
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February 12, 2010
Сильная Женщина
I wrote this, or rather embedded this and remembered how I used to be teased as a kid and used to come home in tears because someone called me Alla Pugacheva. The other day my friend who was recently at a Lady Gaga concert told me that Lady Gaga reminded her of me - creative and had a way with people. I think it was a very big compliment. But I am me.
. . . tired of being strong, крикни а в ответ тишина . . .
February 8, 2010
The Sound of Music
Music as sacrifice – I don’t think that’s a very novel idea. Yet, it’s something I haven’t thought a lot about in the past. By Jewish tradition, you’re not supposed to dance or listen to music while you’re in mourning. As I type this, a line from an old comedy routine at the Comedy Cellar just seems fitting, “I too am a Jew, but I’m not as Jew as you.” That aside, music was never a huge part of my life, or so I thought. I’m tone deaf. I have two left feet. Our wedding dance was a disaster, which thankfully was edited pretty well. Since August 18, I haven’t (intentionally) listened to music, but I don’t live in a box and every time you walk into a store or see a movie or go to a party, you hear music. Sometimes you can’t help but tap your foot to the beat, but now I’m very conscious of it. This awareness is very strange, especially at a party when you have to explain yourself, since people don’t know, don’t understand or simply don’t care. We have at least two weddings to attend early this summer of very close friends. I won’t be dancing and I am not sure what will feel more strange – not dancing, or dancing.
I don’t have a favorite artist, or even a favorite song really. I always listened to whatever was playing on the radio, popular at the time or that my friends made me listen to. I always liked songs with meaning. Whether it was an old Alla Pugacheva song or a Nautilus Pompilius ballad, or some pop trash that had relatable appeal, I always paid more attention to the lyrics than to the music. While we were packing and moving “Painted Black” was whirling in my head and while writing my last post, all I could think about was “Proschay Lumibiy Gorod.” Maybe music is a bigger part of my life than I thought. There’s different music – happy music and sad music. Music is a means of artistic expression and usually the best art comes out of bad emotion. When you’re happy, you find better things to do with your time then compose, draw, write.
Back to work.
February 2, 2010
21 Grams
-Paul Rivers, 21 Grams
January 26, 2010
Шереметьево - JFK: 17 years ago, today.
We got to the train terminal (what's it called in English? station?) (The same one that they shot in Everything is Illuminated, yes that's L'vov) and we boarded the train. I remember being in the suite (is that how you say it?) with mama and grandma and the three of us hysterically crying and my dad running in with a grin and yelling at us for crying. As the train moved, the crowd of familiar and strange faces just burst into "proschay lubimiy gorod," a song which has made me cry since the day I realized we'd be leaving my beloved L'vov.
We got to Moscow and there things got blurry. I remember being afraid of wearing my gold earrings since they may rip them off with my ear and later (after passing security) telling my mom I could've put "all the gold" in my pockets since they didn't check me. The "gold" is probably worth $500, if that. I remember them searching us like we were trying to smuggle worldly possessions out of what was no longer the USSR. A bag with coins (specifically collected for calls) somehow fell into one of our huge bags and they had to completely unpack it (read: dishevel it). A suitcase which was specifically sent by my sister from the US to meet the size requirements, didn't and we were fined $100. That $100 is probably the equivalent of $10,000 or maybe even $100,000 for us today. Unlike many people, we didn't sell our apartment, because there was yet no privatization in L'vov. On the contrary, we had to pay them to leave two beautiful apartments, one at the city center and ours with complete capital improvements (and now, without parquet floors). We didn't have gold or money - we came with sheets and towels and pots and pans that can probably last us another 17 years.
Somehow, we finally passed security and boarded the chartered plane heading to NY. Because of my grandmother's heart condition, the plane was full of old and sick people. During the flight, when my dad (who hasn't been on a plane since that journey) took me to walk around a bit, I saw things that have stayed so imprinted on my young mind that to this day they give me chills. There were beds suspended from the ceiling. And religious men in black hats (not a common sight in Ukraine) were praying. There were all kinds of crippled people. It was scary.
We landed. It was a sunny and beautiful New York morning. It was about 50-60 degrees (yesterday's weather but with sun instead of rain) and I remember thinking to myself, it must always be warm here. It seemed wondrous and wonderful. I was ecstatic to see my sister and couldn't stop hugging her! She looked great in her purplish/pink shirt with a black zipper and curly (then still dark) hair. I think she had flowers, or maybe balloons and my dad yelled at her for spending money. As Dyadya Monya drove us to Bensonhurst (we stayed with my uncle and grandma for 3 weeks) the ride on the Belt with the sun beaming and the water glistening seemed surreal, warm and wonderful. I've never since enjoyed that road like that again, having made the trip probably 1,000+ times. I had on rose-colored glasses of both childhood and innocence as well as the expectation of a better life for my family.
I'm glad we're here, but I don't know that it's a better life. I think I've blogged about it before, immigration was extremely difficult on our family. Hardship after hardship followed. Yes, good things happened too, but it's hard to concentrate on that, especially now. Шереметьево - JFK: 17 years ago today, the day my childhood ended. Now, starting the 18th without mama, 7 without grandma Mira and the 2nd without Zilpa. How I wish I could be on the Belt in my rose-colored glasses.
-
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