I'm so tired that I'm falling over my own two feet. Yet, now that I finally have a chance to sleep, I can't. I'm exhausted. I'm tired mentally, emotionally and physically. My thoughts don't let me rest. My short "relaxing" getaway last weekend went right out the window on Tuesday back at work. While today is Saturday, I kept thinking it's Friday and really it's 3:15 so it's already Sunday. Where does the time go?
I'll be 25 in two weeks, the "quarter-life" crisis, yet I think that I've been 24 going on 40 ever since I was about 15. I wonder if at 40 I'll be going on 80 or on 25. It'd be nice to live in reverse, knowing what you know to do things over. Yet, perhaps that's the beauty of life - not knowing - trusting your instincts, or not; making decisions; living. Why do I feel that I'm not living? I feel that I have everything that any "normal" person may ever want to have. Yet, something is missing and I wish I knew what it is. Maybe I'm over and maybe I'm under, but maybe the circular motion of my thoughts needs to end. I wish I could be a simpler person, then my life might be simpler. But, I don't take things lightly, I take them to heart. I analyze and over analyze every little thing. I wish everyone in my life would be healthy and happy and I feel that no one really is. I feel different. I always have. I want to be creative, yet I don't have the cajones to do anything exciting.
My escapism is reading - losing myself in a good book. For me, a book is good, I realized, as long as I can identify in some way with a character. If I can't, then it's not a good book, unless it's witty. I love dry humor and sarcastic wit, which is so hard to find these days. I finished The Picture of Dorian Gray. It was awesome. Quotes to follow. Promise. I don't have anything on my reading list. . .suggestions welcome.
If that wasn't totally random, then I don't know what is. I wish I was sleepy again, maybe I shouldn't have drank 2 cups of coffee. erf.
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to satisfy the comment craving - why feeling that something is missing is not normal? why wishing to be creative and inability to do so feels being different? both questions are rhetorical.. suggestions to read - everything by palahniuk that i keep feeding kseniya. i also have some other stuff that you are welcome to borrow (maybe on our writing workshop ) -me
ReplyDeleteIt goes deeper than that. You were 7 when you felt something and I was even younger when I discovered that I'm "different". My own pursuit for creativity is difficult with my obsessive compulsive practical Virgo personality. I do taxes for a living!!! Although, my first (and best) tax professor kept preaching that "tax is for creative people", I feel that I'm not living up to my full creative potential. Hence, the blog, the love of photography, theater and all things cultural, the need to read, and the list goes on and on and on . . .
ReplyDeleteAlla
ReplyDeleteRead Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood. This is a must.
If you like it, then read Handmaid's Tale.
Then Oryx and Crake.
And then everything else she wrote ;-)
Alka,
ReplyDeleteYou have to read Margaret Atwood's Blind Assassin. And that's an order!
After everything that happened this summer I think you will find it particularly poignant.
It's an amazing book.
You got it, you know I'm always up for a good read! Please get it ready for me. :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's not just this summer and I don't want to say it's the last 25 years, but definitely the last 10. I feel that I had a very hard time growing up. Partly, because I grew up to fast (not on my own accord) and partly because I never until recently realized the importance and the gaiety of being young. Unfortunately, while I'm not that old, I'm not that young anymore either. Now, I have to act my age, whereas before I could always act my age, but never did. I hope that made sense . . . I didn't have coffee yet.